People in the military always talk about the acronym
"LDRSHIP" (leadership) which is an acronym for the core army values. I'd like to redefine some
examples based upon my real life lately in regards to co-parenting with my ex-wife or ex-one night stands and relate how I like to use the core Army values to approach each situation.
L - is for Loyalty
Loyalty is a term that can be twisted to be
used for good or for bad. I mean, on one hand, I have loyalty to my family, but on the other hand, the
Nazi soldiers had loyalty to Adolf Hitler. Each faction was loyal for one reason or another. Sometimes loyalty is forced, sometimes it is earned over time. So loyalty can be loosely
based on anyone who feels the need to stick with their family or organization
or with a person etc. for the purposes of honor and commitment. Marriage is one of the things that should provide loyalty, however, as we all know, I'm no angel and was never the most loyal person to my ex-wife.
Loyalty to one's self respect on the other hand,
now there's something I can get behind. I feel as though the loyalty part
needs to be true to yourself. If you're getting beat up, pushed around,
spat at in the face... then you need to have the courage and owe it to yourself to understand your self worth. It's imperative; otherwise you become the
welcome mat of the world. Sure in the summer time, being a welcome mat
isn't so bad, you get quite a nice view of all the people, but just like life,
you gotta take the good with the bad, and when it's winter, you got people
wiping their muddy dog shit boots all over your face. So be loyal to
yourself and do what is right for you.
D – is for Duty
This is a funny one, I would break it down to
knowing what work you need to do in order to get it done and then getting off
of your ass and actually doing it. This seems to be the hardest In the military, this meant doing what
you were told to do when you were told to do it. In the life of a parent
that is divorced, duty relates more to ethics and the child that you helped
bring into the world. Your duty, as you are charged with them from higher
up life command (and just as your responsibility as a parent, is that you will do everything you can to make sure that your children are prepared to take on the world. Make sure that they grow into a
happy, educated, healthy, strong individuals that can handle life on their own
terms.) This means teaching them coping methods to deal with bullying, to deal with pain, to deal with hard work, being a child that has manners, who isn't a sore loser or a sore winner. Kids need people teaching them this stuff, because as a society lately, I'm worried for America as I am afraid that we'll lose a war because,"North Korea hurt our feelings and they are just being way too harsh on us which makes them lame and stuff." And I'm telling you this parents, you only get about 18 years to do this (to be honest, you don't really get to start teaching them the awesome stuff until about age 4, so that cuts down your time to get this all done even more, but on the other side of that coin, we aren't teaching our kids independence and financial stability, so they'll probably end up living with you until they are at least 30 anyway, so you might get to make up some of that time, but by then, it's probably too late).
But
as a divorced parent, your duty is not just to your children, but also to the person that you brought a
child into this world with as it is their duty and responsibility to co
parent with you as well. Your
duty is to make sure you do everything you can to stay loyal to yourself, while
still doing your duty to that child. They are looking at you for how to
act and be in life. You are the child’s prime example. If you want
to be an ass to the other parent around them, they will pick up on that, over
time, possibly be brainwashed or want to be distant from the negativity. I grew up this way where my parents had an incredibly toxic divorced relationship. It's not an easy one to deal with. But regardless of the thoughts
on either end, put the child's best interest into the mix, make sure that is
what is being worked towards, not your own.
R – is for Respect
This one is simple. You've heard it a
million times. Respect one another, Respect yourself, Respect other
people's feelings, Respect your children. Respect your parents. I feel as though this one can
lead you down the wrong path at times. A lot of people think that just
because of who they are, what they have done, their position in life or work, they should be respected. Well that just isn't
true. It has to be earned, and not overnight, these things take time, and even longer to rebuild respect. I could give
many prime examples of people and positions that I have seen them in which
makes them feel a bit like they are gods (goddesses) who shall have everyone bow to their very
existence, but that would take too long.
Well screeeeeeech! hit the brakes, hold the phone, you
gotta earn that shit, it's not handed out like popcorn balls with razor blades
in them on Halloween, If you can't show an ounce of respect, then
why are you asking for it. The other part of this equation is the fact
that people live in their heads and lie to themselves so
much, that they feel like they do respect people. Respect is a give and
take design. It's about compromise, It's about listening to the other
one's feelings, it's about picking up on what that person is saying to you.
Respect is being prompt about replies via text or emails to important questions,
such as, when will I get to see our kid next while we are waiting to finish talking about the
parenting plans? Or when can we sit down and discuss things that are bothering us next? Or when do you want our kid to return home from vacation? Respect is actually taking the time to tell someone how
you're feeling about a situation or how you feel towards them face to face, So
many problems have been solved over quick sit-downs.
S – is for Selfless Service
This is a big one. Selfless Service is
in the same vein as honor and respect. It's thinking about others and not
yourself. It's thinking about the kids, the people that all of this
nonsense affects, it's thinking about doing what is right, even though you
don't have to do it. The main concept of this value is to put others above yourself without sacrificing your integrity. I love this and can't elaborate too much, but can put an
example. It's helping someone out who is doing worse off than you or putting aside silly bickering and doing what you know is right. Selfless Service is letting the other person know that you'd be honored
to watch the kid during their time. It's letting the kids have time to
spend with the grandparents or anyone visiting for any reason from either side
of the family. Family is important and taking care of one another is the best
example of selfless service, because it's the right thing to do.
H – is for Honor
Honor is the culmination of all of these
things. It's going to bed each night and being able to sleep knowing you
did what you were supposed to do, what was asked of you, what you knew was
right, what you know is the best for your children. Honor is owning up to
the times that you were wrong and accepting responsibility, even if it wasn't totally your fault. Honor is burying the hatchet and a great attribute and value to teach the
younger generation, I don't see a lot of it around these days.
I – is for Integrity
I have always like the army definition of this
one, which is simply put, "Doing the right thing, even when no one is
looking." I'm sure any of you out there can tell me what Integrity
means to you. I think doing the right thing, even when no one is looking
is such a great phrase. I mean, sure I could choose to talk mad shit about my ex in
front of the kid, no one will know, and it will just be hearsay in
court, but I will know it's wrong so I choose to not do it at all. It's making sure that you don't steal
things, it's making sure that you make the kids aware that they are the anchor and are loved. Not you. It's never easy to get past that with
some people and I can understand how it's not always the best feeling of the
values, It's a low payoff. Most people think, do the right thing even
though no one is looking huh? Ok, well, I stop at stop signs when no one
is around, do I get a medal now? The thing is, that's great, it's a good
first step. But it has to creep into all aspects of your life. It's
what every respectable company teaches, it's what the bible teaches, It's what the military teaches, it's what I teach my
kids as well. To me, this is the most important value.
P – is for Personal Courage
Personal courage....think about that one for a
while. I used to be afraid to ask one of my exes anything, now I have the courage
to stand up to her and let her know when I feel that I am being treated unfairly. It took some time because I am scared of conflict. I do everything I can to avoid conflict which turned me into that door mat I was talking about earlier, but I am no longer afraid to
express myself. This doesn't mean that I like fighting or want to be in fights, but I will express myself and be heard. I am all for hearing out the other sides as well, as long as the respect if given to actually discuss a matter and not bring emotion into it. I have the personal courage to continuously build up my
kid's mothers and step-dads to them, even when I don't feel like it. I have the personal
courage to keep pushing forward and make sure that I can do what is best for
our kids. I have the
personal courage to not start a fight because of something my kid said that my
ex does. It takes a lot sometimes and is never easy. But this takes
a long time to build up. Don't expect this right away, and get the other
values on lock down first. If you just go out with guns a blazing and
don't have any honor or respect or integrity, then you are just running on dumb
blind luck.
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Approach everything in your life with all of these values;
they each have their own place in a relationship of
any kind, with my current wife, with my son's mom, and all my kid's moms.
They deserve my best and in return, I expect theirs. Someone that is respectful, doesn't
waste my time, doesn't give me hopes and then crush me down. Someone that
can move forward from the fact that I don't love them anymore or never did, but can be adult
enough to have moved on and not always try to fight out of pettiness.
Someone that understands the act of sharing and knowing that we will have
to co-parent with these kids until they are out of high school at least. It's
only as hard as we make it for our children, and for ourselves.
I am calling a truce, let's start fresh, It's
not about my wants, and it's not about your wants. It's for the integrity
of our children. It's about making sure they get equal amounts of time with
both of us. My kids should enjoy outings with you and your family; they should
get the same with my family and me. Because ultimately, we are ALL their immediate family, that thought has to start sticking eventually.
